A Star and a Stray: Slitting This Throat
by Hihio
Summary: "Sometimes it's easier to let something fall apart, than it is to try and hold it " That's what I was trying to do: hold us But its hard when she keeps slipping through my You see, when she left, I was the one who didn't go after
1. Prologue: Light A Fire

Author's Note: My purpose for writing this, is to show Renji's side his struggle. I've always had a great liking for him, so _that _is what inspired me. Renji Abarai for the win.

_~I~I~I~I~I~_

___"We have doomed the wolf not for what it is, but for what we have deliberately and mistakenly perceived it to be; the mythologized epitome of a savage, ruthless killer, which is, in reality no more than a reflexed images of ourselves." ~Farley Mowat_

_**Stars and the Stray: Slitting This Throat **_

I'm the latter of the two. Sorry to disappoint.

I've got a little place in the back of my mind. It's kind of dark, and kind of gloomy. It's like an old, abandoned warehouse that I can never seem to tear down. I try not to look back there often; that's where my memories lie. But, of course, I can never forget, no matter how hard I try. If I were to uncover all the veiled pictures of my past, and look under all the dust and debris, I'm sure I'd find a painting there. I'm sure of who it would be. It's a girl. She has smooth black hair, and it curves to her neck. She has large violet eyes, and they shine with the undeniable sparkle of grace. There is an ocean of water swaying in the background, as if rushing from the floodgates. It is indisputably beautiful, and the shimmer of the soothing waves that rush up to meet the shore draws me back to the precious days of the past. If you look at that picture, you'll see her smiling. It's warm and calm, like a soft summer day. There is gentleness there, and there's not a flaw on her face.

I'm trying to get back to her.

I think I should tell you a story. It's a story not too many people hear, or, should I say, _care_ to hear. Now, this is the type of story that is usually glanced over by onlookers and dismissed without a second thought. But there's no need to ask why that is. I'll tell you instead. I suppose its reason is similar to the logic behind ones disgust towards a tramp only capable of chasing the coattails of his master. Too..._undesirable_. But to what extent does such ignorance cut? Without a doubt, it pierces deep within my chest like the cruel blade of shame. You see, there is a hurt here. There is grief, and there is regret. There is a struggle that I've yet to overcome, and there's only one focus in mind: to close the gap. So with each footfall of mine, I think I'm getting closer.

I assure you, I will close in on that unbearable distance and the struggle it holds. No matter how much blood is spilt. No matter how badly the wounds burn me.


	2. This Lovely Living

Author's Note: All characters are property of Bleach, though I doubt I really have to say that. **And don't forget to review!** Are you ready to take this journey with me?:D

_"__'Tis ____midnight now. The bent and broken moon, battered and black, as from a thousand battles, hangs silent on the purple walls of Heaven."-Joaquin Miller_

___Chapter 1: This Lovely Living_

Renji settled down on a wooden bench reluctantly as the small wide-eyed girl in front of him read from a crisp white sheet of paper. Black ink bled through the pristine page in sharp contrast, and caught Renji's curious eye. At first, when Momo had interupted his daily training and stated she needed to "read something to him", an objective moan had growled in slight annoyance.

"Can't it wait?" he had groaned as he was pestered by his friend, "I can read it myself anyway. Why can't this hold off until sword practice is finished!"

But the petite, yet fierce girl was persistant. Renji should've known better than to believe that Momo Hinamori, 5th Division lieutenant, would take no for an answer. Yes, in the end, Renji's protests and objections were proven futile and he was unwillingly forced from those training grounds, with small and strong hands dragging him through the old, stone archway exit. Now he sat, his sword tossed over his shoulder and curiosity piled high over his thoughts. What the letter relayed, Renji couldn't tell for himself, but the bursts of excitement and fits of giggles ringing from Momo wasn't bringing him any closer to finding out. The message had been sent from Central 46, which meant either one of two things: a.) This was a termination letter and he was being asked to leave the Seireitei immediately, or b.) Something else. Something much better.

"Okay, so it says,

'Renji Abarai, 6th seat of the Eleventh Division, you have been awarded the honor of becoming the next Sixth Division lieutenant. Your promotion will become official in one month and begin the following day. You have been assigned to Captain Kuchiki, of the Kuchiki clan. Please make the necessary preparations and arrangements prior to your division transfer. You are wished the best of luck.'"

Momo closed the letter and beamed at her red-head friend. Noticing his lack of a response, she turned to the blond beside her for assistance.

"Isn't this great, Izuru? Renji is finally a lieutenant! I think it's about time we give ourselves a name. They could call us, 'The Three Lieutenants'! Oh, how I like the sound of that..."

Izuru smiled warmly at her, placing his finger on his chin as if in deep thought.

"Hmm..Yes, I suppose it does have a nice ring to it."

Renji frowned internally at the cruel irony of his situation.

This man, Byakuya Kuchiki, whose name was so popular and so often spoken of throughout the Seireitei, as well as the Rukon District, was to be his future captain.

The early April breeze blew throughout the city and ebony butterflies fluttered in the air until the sky was inked with black. Humming birds chirped and their song rang across the town, while pinks and orange stained the afternoon sky. Who knew a lousy stray from South Rukon would end up enjoying such a blooming spring in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads?

_Who would've guessed it?_

Being a lieutenant would put Renji that much closer to Rukia. He wasn't going to allow the harsh and terrifying shadow of Byakuya Kuchiki frighten him into despair. No, not just yet. When he realized that, he was convinced. He would accept the promotion, and become the new lieutenant of the Sixth Division.

"Hey, aren't you gonna go tell her? Rukia? I hear she was assigned to a mission in the World of the Living. Shes scheduled to leave tonight. You'd better hurry if your going to catch her." Izuru clasped his always-uneasy hand on the red heads shoulder.

Renji stood, allowing the arm of his friend to fall back to his side.

"Thank you. I'll tell Rukia about my promotion in a month, once it all becomes official. Maybe then we'll be able to continue with the the friendship we once shared..."

"Oh, Renji don't be such a downer! What's with you, you're supposed to be happy!" Momo poked him in the shoulder as if in playful scolding.

"Oh, sorry."

Momo laughed, and assured him that it was alright. Yes, her eyes were bright and cloudless, yet she was still blind to the regret that dwelled so sorrowfully in the eyes of her friend. That regret that made Renji so weary went unnoticed by her.

But he was too lost in thought to fret over that now. In the depths of his mind, he pondered in heavy reflection.

_I've got to work hard, and after that, I'll work harder. I must. So just a little farther, I know I can do this. Just a little while longer now. And I'll be there, Rukia._


	3. The Struggle Between Us

"_This howling mouth, this head which rolls back and tries to escape."-Frederick Leboyer_

_Chapter 2: The Struggle Between Us_

**TWO MONTHS LATER**

"Damn."

He was already too late. Too late to perform his morning duties, too late to report to the captain before starting the day. Hurriedly, the Shinigami slipped on his black kosode and hakama, then slid on straw sandals and swiftly snatched up the Zanpakuto lying by the bed as he tore his way through the doorway. He hustled through the wide cement walkways, heedlessly unbraiding the long crimson hair falling down his back. He carelessly hauled the massive amount of hair into a tight ponytail as its shining thickness strained the ribbon.

The halls of the 6th Division barracks were dry and desolate, though that's usually how Renji would describe the sleeping quarters even when the population was plentiful. All people spoke of in this squad was the importance of "upholding the law" and "maintaining the order" as they contently held their noses high and occasionally sipped on their tea. The tea was bitter, much like the ones who drank it. Those squad members that wished they were of nobility were all so _boring_, so much so they successfully dulled up the atmosphere. But Renji Abarai, he knew who he was; he knew where had come from. Then again, the whole Seireitei knew where he had come from too.

_South Rukon. 78th District, __Hanging Dog._

Of course, Rukia had come from South Rukon as well. But she later became the adopted sister of Byakuya Kuchiki, the 28th head of the Kuchiki clan, so her slum-like past was automatically forgiven and hypothetically erased.

Renji slowed his pace and paused, turning to the bulletin hanging outside of Captain Kuchiki's office.

**JULY 19****TH **

**7:30 am MEETING  
**

**ALL CAPTAINS AND LEIUTENANTS ARE RECOMMENDED TO ATTEND.**

**HIGH RANKING OFFICERS MUST WEAR BADGES.**

**BE PREPARED TO STATE AN OVERVIEW OF YOUR SQUADS PROGRESS AND CURRENT STATUS.**

"'Be prepared'? Ugh...Perfect."

Running now, Renji made his way towards the meeting room, crimson locks gradually escaping the ponytail until the delicate hair tie came loose. Renji roughly removed the ribbon from his head and irately flung it on the cold ground. His hair spilled down his back, yet he kept running, glancing up at the rising sun.

_Just a little farther. Just a little while longer now. _

He turned a sharp corner, pushing through a set of rusted gates as he dashed through a wooden door frame. Dozens of wide eyes darted towards him, but the empty, grey daggers of his captain seemed to stab the most merciless.

The group had been filled into a single line, extending all the way across the room. Lieutenants were to stand next to their Captains, while the elder on the other side of the room stood unaccompanied. It was Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto, or "Old Man Yamamoto", as many called him, usually when he was not around to hear. Renji dragged himself to his spot beside his captain. The heavy footsteps echoed off the black walls of the chamber as he hurriedly made his way across the floor.

_Thump-thump-thump-thump _emanated throughout the space. He knew he'd be hearing about this later. Tardiness was never tolerated in the 6th Division, especially not when Byakuya Kuchiki was involved. The dark haired noble's eyes did not move in the slightest, but glowered directly ahead. He refused to make eye contact. Silence whipped Renji and took its time in doing so as the noiselessness drug on. When he finally found his way next to Byakuya, there was a cough from down the line. Seconds later, Yamamoto began to speak, relieving Renji of the unbearable quietness.

"Now that we are all present, we might be able to proceed. Momo Hinamori, state your report."

A small timid voice rose from the petite lieutenant standing beside Captain Aizen.

"Yes sir. The members of the Fifth Division have consistently shown a level of extraordinary skill and amazing battle readiness. All seats of the squad continue to show obedience towards the Captain."

"Good. And you, Sōsuke Aizen?"

The brunette unleashed a smile of charm and confidence.

"We are achieving to meet high expectations."

The Head Captain nodded, and continued on. Renji took a deep breath. No way could he think up a report in such a short amount of time.

_It's not like anything new ever happens in the 6th Division anyway, so what the hell am I supposed to say?_

"Renji Abarai. State your report."

The red haired man stuttered. No words escaped his mouth, mainly because he couldn't think of any.

"Um, you know…I think we're doing pretty decent-"

"Please allow me, Captain Genryūsai Yamamoto, as it seems my partner has failed to prepare a report." Byakuya's expression was icy, and the rain clouds in his eyes were glazed over, seemingly unamused.

"Of course, Captain Kuchiki."

The head of the 6th Division explained to the other officers how his team had continued to enforce and obey the rules laid out for the Gotei 13. When he mentioned the squad's struggle to become the perfect display of model behavior, Byakuya glowered at his lieutenant.

"They are exercising their skill and excelling tremendously, but of course, there is always a stray in a group of men training to be the best."

Yamamoto nodded when Byakuya was finished and gestured towards the next squad.

"Sajin Komamura. Your progress report, please."

And, with that, Renji tuned out. The remainder of the meeting was overpowered by spite-coated thoughts and goals thickly layered with determination. He was too lost in ways to excel, ways to get better. So that his captain would stop thinking of him as a just a pathetic tramp. But most importantly, he needed to be reminded of that vow that he made to himself on that day so long ago.

_~I~I~I~I~I~_

After each squad had given their report, Yamamoto informed the Shinigami of the latest military news.

"Rukia Kuchiki, who was sent on a mission in the World of the Living two months ago, has not returned since and is to be brought back immediately. Captain Kuchiki and Lieutenant Abarai will travel to the World of the Living and search for the lost Soul Reaper. The Thirteen Court Guard Squads have also gathered that her powers are greatly depleted. We have concluded that her lack of spirit energy is the outcome of her Soul Reaper powers being transferred to one of the humans."

At first, Renji thought he'd heard that wrong, but when Yamamoto continued, he realized that he had in fact heard correctly.

"Rukia Kuchiki will be returned to the Soul Society at once and punished for her intolerable behavior."

_Wait, what?_

"But- but that's absurd! To give your Soul Reaper powers to a human is a serious crime, Head Captain Yamamoto! Rukia couldn't have, she'd never have purposefully rebelled against such a strict law. She'd never do something so idiotic!"

"Renji. It'd be wise of you to not interrupt," Byakuya warned his lieutenant with a blank expression. His eyes were closed, as if he refused to look at his subordinate. Or maybe he was too ashamed to regard him. The stray was too subsidiary, too inferior.

_How is this man so collected, so calm? Has he not just heard that his own sister broke one of the highest rules of the Shinigami? At the very least, he has to be startled by the news, right? Isn't he the slightest bit worried about the consequences she'll have to face and endure?_

"Oh…sorry, sir."

Captain Yamamoto walked slowly towards the red haired officer.

"Renji Abarai."

Yamamoto looked at him, analyzing his every feature. The Head Captain's eyes traveled the path up to the harsh, black tattoos and angled brows. Scarlett locks flowed over the most of Renji's face and ran down broad shoulders. The red, meandering mane curled up to a delicate, yet defiantly tilted chin. The deep-brown eyes were concealing frustration, Yamamoto was sure. But deep within the pupils slept a fear that was so faint and fragile compared to all the other emotions being forced to the surface. The elder took a deep sigh, and pointed to a plaque on the dark walls of the meeting room. On it was mounted a slab of jade engraved upon with elaborate writing. The largest words read: _Gotei Thirteen Law and Rule_.

"Rukia is truly one of the best Shinigami in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. But we cannot afford to let our emotions get the best of us. We must act rationally and professionally. But above all, we must abide by the law, and Rukia has disregarded that law. That is why she must be brought back to the Seireitei immediately. Her punishment will be decided by the Central 46 upon her return to the Soul Society."

As Yamamoto clasped his hands together, a sign that the meeting had come to a close, all captains and lieutenants shuffled towards the door. Outside, Byakuya quickly made his way towards the 6th Division barracks while Renji ran, trying to catch up.

"Captain! Captain Kuchiki, wait up will ya?!"

"You're going to have to do better, Renji."

"But, Captain-

"Random outbursts and tardiness before meetings will never be tolerated." Byakuya spun around with a certain narrowness in his rain cloud eyes that threatened death itself.

Lieutenant Abarai slowly lowered his head.

"Yes, sir."

The noble man turned back around, the end of his haori catching in the morning breeze.

"Now. Let's go."

Hesitantly, the crimson haired lieutenant followed his captain back to the 6th Division barracks.

As they made their way towards the gate, two butterflies fluttered towards them. The black wings flapped delicately, and floated in the air. It seemed as though the insects were playfully racing each other, as if this was simply a Monarch's game of tag.

Once the butterflies reached the two men, they lightly bat their wings in front of them. A message from the Central 46 read that these butterflies would assist in traveling through the Senkaimon and into the World of the Living.

"We leave tonight."

"Yes, sir." Renji grinned with a lust for blood and revenge. Revenge for the girl who was the closest kind of friend.

"And I promise I'll make it up to ya, sir. When we get to the world of the living, and find the pathetic human that stole Rukia's powers, I'll kill him. I'll destroy him and you won't even need to waste your energy on someone so worthless."

The two officers walked through the 6th Division pathways as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky. As Renji pushed back the red curtains that hung from his doorway, he heard Byakuya shout something over his shoulder.

"Remember to come prepared, Renji. I expect you to be punctual this time."

"Oh, sure! Of course, I'll have to get a new hair ribbon… And I _can't_ forget my goggles this time."

Renji groaned and growled in annoyance. This was obviously going to take him a while.

The red haired Shinigami rushed back down the hall and into the city of the Seireitei.


	4. The Scars of Strained Relations

_"I respect anyone who has to fight and howl for his decency."-Deborah Kerr_

_Chapter 3: The Scars of Strained Relation_

Thud-thud-thud-thud.

He could feel his raging heart beating faster and faster, yet he wouldn't stop. No matter what the consequences, cardiovascular arrest didn't sound nearly as life threatening as the wrath of Byakuya Kuchiki. No, _nothing _sounded as deadly as a reprimanding by him. The thought of rose-colored blades slicing through the wind brought Renji to ask himself the same question that restlessly weighted his thoughts nearly every second of every day; how had he been able to avoid demotion from his position as Squad Six lieutenant for this long? Renji didn't doubt the fact that his job as vice-captain was compromised, especially after the days earlier events. Being a lieutenant was hard to do, but staying a lieutenant was an entirely different situation all together, Renji was sure. And being a captain, well that seemed harder than anything, though somehow his Taichou possessed an easy and flowing air about him that made it appear effortless. The way Captain Kuchiki's expression never seemed to alter, even when a fresh stack of paperwork sat incomplete at his desk, that same, numb demeanor never did falter. But for Renji, just the sight of blank forms and files would give him the instinctive to groan and take a sharp turn in the opposite direction. It was no secret, the two men contrasted in almost every way. So with all their differences taken into account, how could they even remain to work as a team? How was it possible that Renji still had his job, even after the numerous personality clashes that had occurred between them? Such questions devoured Renji's conception until his thoughts became hazy and obscure. Unfortunately, a distraction would be the last thing that Renji would need.

He slowed in momentum as he paced through the ancient archway of the old battle grounds. The bare and loneliness of the landscape was curious, almost disturbing to Renji as he absorbed the bleak quiet. During regular hours, the grounds would be overflowing with squad six swordsmen, determined to please the captain. But not now, not as dusk began to drape itself across the sky.

The glowing moon that illuminated the Seireitei sat on the highest peak of darkness, a throne of stars beneath it. Hadn't Byakuya ordered Renji to be present at moon rise? The captain was no where in sight, which meant...Renji had arrived at the designated meeting point before his always punctual captain? The realization registered slowly in his head, and when it fully dawned upon him that he had just achieved the impossible, a wave of shock and slight content rushed through him. But the celebration was short lived.

Now, it was clear that Byakuya Kuchiki was a man hardly ever late for _anything_. No matter what the event. And for Renji, a man who was late for nearly everything, to arrive at the grounds _before_ him, well, that seemed a tad suspicious. Which meant something was amiss. Renji adjusted his shades so that they rested on the slight curve of his tattooed forehead, hoping to hide the uneasiness accumulating inside of him. They gave him a look of charisma and authority, two things that the former Rukongai peasant had struggled to obtain.

When he sensed a spike in spiritual pressure, Renji unsheathed Zabimaru cautiously. He stood by, his sword prepared for anything to appear in front of him at any given moment. And something did. In an instant, sparks flew and Senbonzakura was pushed forcefully against Renji's blade. Charcoal bangs blew free in the evening breeze and a small glint of something, something indecipherable hid within the shine and sparkle of eyes that glowed like heavy rain clouds.

"Your reflexes are as sharp as your blade, Abarai. Now, before we depart to the world of the living, let us see if you've improved since our last battle."

The captain was condescending as he purred the words Renji had been so eager to hear for weeks now. The two officers had trained together every now and again, as it was required for a captain and his lieutenant to become of one mind and body when working as a team on the field of combat. It was somewhat of a bonding exercise, though the two never did seem to be able to cover much ground in the distance between them. But this was no training session; this was an all out duel. Renji was exhilarated with the opportunity to finally see just how far apart the strength of their spirits were now. Byakuya was aware of his lieutenant's desperation towards engaging in combat with him, and he felt that this was the perfect time to satisfy that need...Maybe even tease at that rash and frenzied need.

Byakuya unwrapped the smallest of smiles, drawing back his sword for a second blow. Renji accepted the challenge, thrilled, with a wide, spreading grin.

"Sure then. You got it."

The two Zanpakutos clashed, scraping against each others vulnerable metal. The blades cut and chipped into one another so that tiny silver flakes rained down from the two and onto the dusty ground. Byakuya was leaned forward, slowly overcoming Renji. The pale hands strangled the handle of Senbonzakura and gave a domineering thrust towards his subordinate. It was a strong and blood-thirsty hit, yet merciful. The force of the blow sent Renji sliding backwards, his woven sandals unsettling the dirt and dust beneath them. The debris created a cloud of grey between the swordsmen, and Renji used the opportunity to make his inevitable move against his high-ranking challenger. He growled the words he knew all too well, the phrase permanently engraved onto his consciousness.

"Howl, Zabimaru."

The ordinary looking Japanese sword bloomed into its true state; a ferocious, savage looking weapon, separated into multiple joints and segments. Miniature spears extended from each metal section, like hellish thorns sprouting from the stem of a rose. Renji recoiled his Zanpakuto, handling it like the expert he knew he was. He launched it forward, as if manipulating a whip, and the transmogrifying weapon stretched across the space that separated Renji from his target. Byakuya was still, remaining inanimate until the lunging blade was in his range.

"Careless, as usual. You haven't changed a bit, Renji. You still leave yourself defenseless and never make up for it."

At the last second, the noble skillfully dodged to the side, carrying his sword behind his back as he darted towards Renji. Byakuya was expecting his lieutenant to choke, caught defenseless and vulnerable to wrath of Senbonzakura, but he was wrong. In fact, he didn't see Renji at all.

"Tch. Now, what were you saying?"

Renji now stood behind his captain, his monstrous blade thrown over his shoulders. He spoke dangerously.

"I know flashstep too, you know. And if you didn't, well, now you do"

Byakuya didn't turn to face his opponent just yet. His dark laskes brushed his cheeks as he chuckled softly to himself.

"Hm. Don't get too cocky now."

Without warning, Byakuya turned and sliced horizontally. And Renji didn't miss a beat either. He, being the brash and daring fighter that he was, sprung upwards so that his body was suspended above Byakuya's sword. He pulled his knees up high, the bottom of his kosode falling victim to a cold slice by an even colder sword. Then, he disappeared into the air. Renji materialized a few feet away, his sword up and ready to defend. Byakuya dealt Renji an aggressive slash, metal and metal making contact once again. That was first strike.

"Why do you feel the need to fight me so desperately? You are only doing yourself a disfavor..."

"Because. I swore that I'd surpass you. In strength, in spirit. Whatever it takes."

Byakuya's lips twitched upwards in response. He looked for an opening in Renji's defense.

"Ah. You'll surely slit your throat before you achieve such foolishness. And to whom did you make this swear?"

Zabimaru took another violent hit from the force of Byakuya Kuchiki's strength. That was strike two. Renji concentrated, trying hard to think back to that day so long ago. And then he remembered.

"No one. I just swore it. So that you'd stop thinking of me as a worthless tramp. To tell you the truth, I don't care if I really am just a tramp down to my bones, and the stains of worthlessness are truly dyed into my being. I _refuse_ to let you have the satisfaction of reminding me of it.

Byakuya moved sharply, passing behind Renji so fast that by the time the scarlett-maned Shinigami realized what had just occurred, Byakuya's blade was already pointed only inches from the smooth, tanned neck.

"How naive, you are. Believing you to be worthless and believing you to be _foolish_ are two _very_ dissimilar things."

Strike three.

And the worst part was, Renji couldn't even tell the difference between the two.

**_~I~I~I~I~I~_**

**Is it good? Is it bad? So come on! I gotta to know, I need ta know! Tell me! If you liked then review review review! I mean, if I have 751 views for this story, doesn't that mean I should have like at least a fourth of that in number of reviews?! It's not fair!**


	5. Miles To Go Before I Reach Her

Author's Note: Please review! I think I'm going insane over here...So tell me! Is it good or not?! PS, Ichigo will not take on a main role in the story, so that is why he doesn't fight Renji or try to save Rukia. Besides, I won't be writing about Rukia being executed anyway. Things are going to go a little different this go 'round.

"_The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep…"- _Robert Frost

_Chapter 4: Miles To Go Before I Reach Her_

When we traveled through the Senkaimon, the time for talk was over. Any conversation I might've previously attempted to hopelessly carry out with my painfully bleak captain had ceased, and any sort of brazen behavior (on my part, of course) was replaced with docile silence. It was dark and cold in the dismal passage, but the soft flutter of the butterflies trailing behind us did, to some extent, take away a bit of gloom from the unsettling atmosphere. The gentle patter of fragile wings made the place feel a little less...lonely. Their wings flapped in rhythm with the beat of our footsteps, and the longer that rhythm dragged on, the closer the white light at the end of the walkway became. Somewhere beyond that shimmering portal was Rukia: the girl who offered me the warm love of a friend and whom I valued greatly. I could still remember that it was she who had remained with me when our once-large, makeshift family of kids was picked and plucked from by the sadistic fangs of fate. One by one, our childhood friends were killed off, until finally, when all that was left was the two of us, Rukia and I decided to enlist in the School of Shinigami. But since the day she was taken under the strict and suffocating wings of Byakuya Kuchiki, we began to fall apart. And every day since then, I've hated myself for it.

_Why didn't I go after her? Why did I let her go?_

I used to think that Rukia was in a world apart from mine, but now…well I guess that expression wasn't too far from the truth. Even so, I imagined that each footfall would carry me just a little closer to her, and with any luck, the steps would be in few.

Still, sometimes I wondered, what would have happened if our friends hadn't met their fate, and we never did feel the need to enter the Soul Society? Maybe then, things would be different. The thought comes and goes, like a recurring dream, and I can never help but imagine what life would be like without a wall dividing us. You see, Byakuya Kuchiki, _he_ was the wall, effectively seperating Rukia and I day by day. That same man happened to be the captain that walked alongside me in this tunnel-like passageway.

Personally, I never did enjoy missions to the World of the Living. Back in the Soul Society, Rangiku had a habit of babbling on and on about the shops, foods, and many sources of entertainment that it offered, but such attractions did little to convince me. She always depicted the human place as some sort of perfect, care-free world where everyone laughed and loved and lived. The way she described it, the sun shone brighter, the grass grew greener and the water tasted sweeter. It didn't surprise me how Rangiku's incoherent blather always made something sound better than it actually was. As implausible as it seemed, she claimed that the World of the Living was the exact opposite of the Soul Society. But it wasn't. Even I knew better than to believe that. The way I saw it, the World of the Living was no different from the Soul Society. In both worlds, there was a thick and cruel barrier between the different levels of rank. The wealthy never failed to look down on the poor, while the middle class could only stand silent in the fray. Classification never ceased to play such large roles in both worlds, whether those roles took the form of the Four Noble Houses, or the billionaires that made up only one percent of the human population. I didn't care for either of the two.

I tried to catch a quick glance at my commander, being as discreet as I, Renji Abarai, possibly could. Which, of course, wasn't that much. Predictably, his expression was as numb and lacking as the dim light that the shady Senkaimon granted. In truth, he shouldn't have been so calm at this moment. But was I expecting anything more? The answer was simple: of course not. Now, did I wish Kuchiki Taichou was easier to read? Oh, I could go on about that...

"Face forward, Renji."

No, discretion was not one of my strengths. Still, I did as I was told.

The portal opened: a sliding door admitting us through the pass. I could hear my feet echoing off the cement ground even before I saw the night-engulfed rooftop that was our setting of arrival. Below us hailed the the world where humans dwelled, going about their daily lives while Soul Reapers protected them from a danger they were all too unaware of. At any other time, that danger would usually be a Hollow or two, but we weren't here for that. Not today.

Since the day Rukia was assigned a mission to depart for the World of the Living, she had never reported in any mention of delay or word regarding her prolonged stay. Now she had to be found, and it was our job to go after her. I refused to make the same mistake I made on that day at the Shin'ō Acadamy-the day I was too blind to stop her from entering the Kuchiki clan. She had even asked _me_ to help her make her desicion. And I had told her to go. I hadn't wanted Rukia to leave me, but telling her to accept the Kuchiki's adoption offer seemed like it was the right decision at the time. I remember when Rukia had told me about the confrontation, I remember how I forced myself to smile. It was fake, and it took so much strength for me to hold back the objections and reasons I had for her to decline the offer, but I smiled. For her. I wanted to scream at _him_. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell Rukia how I truly felt about the situation. But more than anything else, I wanted Rukia to have a chance at a real family. So I lied. I lied and told her that I thought she should be with the Kuchiki Clan.

Parents are doing the damn right thing when they tell their children not to lie.

She had sadness gleaming in her eyes that day, and regret painted on her face. I don't believe she wanted to accept that offer from the Kuchiki nobles. Even so, I still remember the soft steps of her feet walking away from me.

But there was work to be done here, and I had no intention of letting it go unfinished.

Peering over the edge of the building, the street below appeared deserted and dark. The asphalt was dimly lit by an inconsistently spaced row of lampposts that stretched towards the skyline.

Above, the stars illuminated the sky, and at the horizon, light and dark collided.

The patter of hurried footsteps echoed off a cement sidewalk, and an unintimidating shadow, possibly female, darted across the feeble light of a lamppost. The figure was dainty and petite; there was no mistaking it.

"Gotcha." I looked over my shoulder and at the commander. "I think that's our girl, Captain."

I used flash step to get down from the building, making a point to materialize right in front of our target. She stopped abruptly with surprise, and a ghost of fear, in her eyes. Her hair was the same color as her "brother's": midnight black so rich that it camoflouged with the hue of night. It curved slightly to frame her pale face and flowed to jutt outwards at her neck.

"What's with that face? You surprised? Yeah, a lot has happened since you left the Soul Society. You've been hangin' out in the World of the Living for quite some time...It's like you got a chance to live for just a little while longer."

Sooner or later, Rukia was going to give in. I could see it on her face. She would come with me and Byakuya back to the Soul Society. I knew she wouldn't put up much a fight because she didn't have the strength to. That was another matter to be resolved: how Rukia's powers were taken away. But that would have to wait. Right now, I couldn't get past the fact that after so long, I would be close to Rukia again. How long had it been? Ah.

_"Sometimes it's easier to let something fall apart, than it is to try and hold it together…"_

That's what I had been told forty years ago when Rukia became the adopted sister of my captain. That's what people said to keep me from reaching for that star, from reaching for _her_. They would tell me it was a lost cause, and after a while, I began to believe them. But not anymore.

It was true though, how it seems so easy to let something fall apart. Because holding something together is next to impossible when the thing your holding keeps slipping through your fingers and shattering on the floor. It's what I was doing now: trying to hold us together.

But, like I've said before, I'll never forget why we began to fall apart in the first place.

It was all my fault. When she left, I was the one who didn't go after her.

**_~I~I~I~I~I~_**

**_Reviews appreciated_****_..._**


	6. J'adore Les Souvenirs Heureux

___"God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December." ~James M. Barrie_

_Chapter 5: J'adore Les Souvenirs Heureux_

"It was a Hollow."

I nearly choked on the tea.

We sat in a fairly small room barely big enough for a decent amount of seating space. It was more like a closet, though the men outside had insisted I refer to it as the "interrogation" room. The interior wasn't exactly what you'd expect from one, but I wasn't complaining. Contradictory to the name, the room actually possessed a cozy quality created by its close quarters and gentle burning fireplace that evoked in me a sense of drowsiness. Although I was sure that a fire in such a tiny space was no doubt hazardous, I wasn't too concerned. By no means was it _uncomfortably_ close inside the room, but the occupation limit was probably only five, six bodies max. Two wooden benches and a desk were the only furniture that the room could allow.

To my right was a small window that exposed the outside view. During the day, the suns tame fire could be seen pefectly through the glass as its glowing flames licked the canvas of the sky, but now, all that could be seen were the thick shadows of autumns late evening. The window was up, and a light breeze whistled past it. The mild current guided her swaying hair, causing her to push the stray locks behind her ear- you know, the way girls do. I could paint her picture perfect, there's no doubt in my mind. She had delicate hands that could sprinkle snowflakes from the heavens, hair that flowed smoother than the most graceful fountain, and eyes that looked like they could see the world through violet, even though I knew they couldn't. It was just me, her, the wind, and a crackling fire. Just like it used to be.

"It has the ability to steal the powers of a Soul Reaper, you'd best believe it. It's a high level threat. Definitely nothing to take lightly."

Her words drew me back to reality, though I wished they hadn't. Reality was all too...unforgiving. I didn't need anyone to tell me that. I had learned the hard way. Right now, all I needed to do was get to the bottom of the present situation without making it too difficult for myself.

"Okay, so...explain it again. This is the last time, promise."

Rukia sighed and huddled into the silk blue blanket draped over her t-shirt clad shoulders as she explained the incident to me once more. I sat back.

"I was out patrolling the streets for any strange activity. It was around eleven at the time, and for the most part everything seemed to be in order, as far as the World of the Living goes. I had been walking undisturbed until I noticed a figure trailing behind me. It was following a few steps back, most likely in attempt to conceal itself until it was ready to attack. At first I acted like I didn't notice it, remaining as unfazed as I possibly could. But as I approached a corner, I readied my hand on Sode no Shirayuki's hilt and turned. It wasn't what I was expecting. The figure that came down the walkway looked like just a regular human being, at first. That's why I had felt comfortable enough to let my guard down. It was a trustworthy looking girl, but when I saw her eyes, they were dilated and empty. Almost...hollow." I raised my hand to stop her.

"First of all, that was a painfully cheesy pun." She arched an eyebrow and shot me daggers. I shrugged. "Just sayin'. So anyway, I suppose it's safe to assume that this Hollow can disguise itself as someone that it's not. Like a chameleon, or shapeshifter."

"Thats the only possible explanation. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been able to disguise itself as a human." She fiddled nervously with a piece of lint on the desk as she continued.

"As she approached, she smiled, but it wasn't an innocent little smile, that's for sure. It was unsettling, and it hit a switch in my brain that said to run, but my damn feet wouldn't listen. This girl was supposedly a human, after all, so she shouldn't of been able to see me, let alone smile at me the way she did. I could tell by the way she moved closer that something was off. I tried to reach for my sword, but the muscles in my arm were frozen like stone. I couldn't move, my body felt stuck, and no matter how much strength I put into moving my feet, they wouldn't budge. An unpleasant gust of wind slammed against me and it chilled my body like an icy dagger that numbed all feeling to my limbs with its frigid blade. By now, I knew something was wrong, but it was too late. As she came closer, she stuck her hand out with that same crooked smile on her face. She was reaching for my neck, and I was sure she would grab it. But I was mistaken. Her hand, i-it fazed through my body, like the way ghosts do in those tasteless human movies. I watched in stunned fear as her flesh dissolved into my own. At first it seemed like she was reaching past me, and my body just happened to be in the way. But you see, she wasn't, she was reaching _inside_ of me. First it was her hand, then it was her arm, and then her whole body. The sensation was horrible, and my throat was parched to the point where I thought I'd choke on the sheer dryness of the air. She had inhabited me, and it felt like an extreme invasion of privacy. I could feel the warmth spreading through my legs and arms again, but I couldn't celebrate it too much, because thats when my hands began to move, and not on my own accord. She, I mean, it, could control me now. With all my heart, I had wished it was just a dream. But that was foolish of me to wish such a thing. It, or I suppose, I, drew my sword from the sheath, oblivious to what the monster had planned. But when I saw my own two hands break the silver blade of my sword in half, that was the last thing I was expecting." She was staring down at her palms, and her purple pupils were clouded over. "The way it operates, it's cruel. It takes over your body, and then forces you to do the one thing you'd never do."

I exhaled heavily. I guess things were going to be difficult after all. Rukia rose her head and spoke again, adjusting the blanket around her.

"To add to the complexity of it all, the Hollow had the ability to jump from person to person, like a virus. I know, because only seconds after it had forced me to break my own sword, I felt it leave. I could suddenly breathe again, like its weight was lifted off of me. I blacked out after that, but I did manage to catch a glimpse of the creature as it left: it had shed from the human body, and now took the shape of a dark monster with a Hollow mask. Stranger still, it doesn't seem to have any sort of interest in souls."

Since when was that possible?

"But Rukia, that doesn't make any -"

"Think about it Renji! Tell me you're not _that_ dense." She snapped at me, and I shut my mouth. "It doesn't want souls, otherwise it would've taken mine when it had the chance. It only seemed to want to destroy my blade. And, much as I hate to admit it, it succeeded."

I lifted an eyebrow. "So? The Hollow broke your sword. It'll heal itself after a while, you know that."

Rukia shook her head feircely, and when she spoke, I thought I heard an unsteady shaking in her voice. "In regular cases, yes. Usually, after ones Zanpakuto has been damaged, the blade can simply mend itself over a short period of time. But this is no regular case, Renji. You have no _idea_ how helpless I felt when I came to and saw my shattered Zanpakuto lying at my side. I hid out in the World of the Living for two months, waiting for my powers to come back. But they never did. Thats why I couldn't return to the Soul Society. Becuase my sword was destroyed, I couldn't use it as a key to the Senkaimon. The powers, they were supposed to come back by now. Renji, do you believe in the idea of a Hollow being able to take a Shinigami's powers permenantly? Sode no Shirayuki is still broken. I'm afraid that it's..."

She choked on the last part. The realization of her sword being lost forever, along with her powers; that kind of realization could shatter the ground, and send you into a self-induced, never ending fall through darkness. Rukia didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve to lose all her hard work as a Shinigami. That Hollow had played her, like she was some puppet in its cruel joke, and the destruction of her powers was the punch line. It was all Central 46's fault for sending her on that mission to the World of the Living in the first place. If it hadn't been for that one, stupid missison, she wouldn't have to worry about the loss of her Zanpakuto. We'd be celebrating my promotion, if it hadn't been for that mission. We'd both be laughing away this perfect autumn night, if not for that lousy, pointless mission. Funny, how stuff worked like that...Actually, no. Never mind. It wasn't funny at all. I leaned over on the bench, and finished her sentence for her.

"Gone. Your afraid you powers are gone. I'm afraid too, Rukia. But if they're truly gone, what will you do?"

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, and regained her composure. She straightened her back and put on a face without sadness or fear or any of the emotions she'd just been displaying only seconds earlier. Rukia had her moments sometimes, but overall, she was tough, the real deal. Just like her brother.

"Well, I'll be removed from the Thirteen Court Gaurd Squads, that's for sure. It can't be helped. I suppose it'll be fine though, as I'll still be able to stay in the Kuchiki Manor. At least I won't have to go back to _that place_."

Two words. _Two words_ were all it took for me to remember exactly what place she was referring to. South Rukon was etched onto us, like a tattoo that you had no say in getting. And even if you tried to get it removed, it'd still leave a scar. Our memories from back then were usually ones filled with harshness and the smell of dirty streets. That's just how it was. But every now and then, I remember the fond memories we had, whether it was at the ocean, by a camp fire, or when we were stealing candy from cranky old shopkeepers. There was never a dull moment in the Rukongai, to say the least.

To tell you the truth, I really do remember those times fondly. But only the happy ones.

Rukia's eyes were glazed over, like she was thinking back too. There was always something in Rukia's eyes that made me feel calmer, at ease. But I wasn't the one who needed to feel at ease this time; she did. I guess it was hard to always be strong all by yourself, after all.

"Rukia..."

She arose, walking around the desk so that she could sit beside me on the bench. The old wood creaked as she rested her head on my shoulder, and I leaned my head on top of hers. She nestled her head onto my arm, allowing black hair to spill over my sleeve like running ink. I could hear the faint sound of more crying as she buried her face into my kimono. You have no idea what I would do to keep those tears from falling. If I could, I'd cry for her, just so she wouldn't have to, but things didn't work like that in real life. So in the end, we were both crying, and neither one of us stopped. She grasped the blanket tightly, and pulled it closer to her, like she couldn't survive without it. No matter how fiercely she pulled on that silk, her hands still looked so soft and fragile, like they couldn't hurt a single thing.

She could put the shattered pieces of a snowflake together with those hands, just like she could put back together the broken pieces of my heart.

_~I~I~I~I~I~_

___"Fond memory brings the light of other days around me." ~Thomas Moore_

___~I~I~I~I~I~_

The birds chirped the morning away like they didn't have a care in the world. I stared at them enviously through the window. Humid vapor swept over my face as I poured from a large, searing pitcher. Dark beverage flowed out of the vessel and rushed to meet the glossy finish of an elaborately designed porcelain cup.

"Tea sir?"

The ceramic in my hand was filled to the brim with piping liquid, and it warmed my fingers a little too much. It's heat produced thin steam that danced from the mug and mingled with the heavy air of the office. The herbal aroma flooded the room; it was hard not to notice it. The longer I held the cup, the more uncomfortable it became- both the heat, and the moment. Things were always kind of...awkward in the office on mornings like these. Honestly, I thought the tea would've been a nice gesture, but it was becoming more and more clear that the noble had no intention of accepting it. Still he refused to acknowledge me. Pale hands painted words across a yellowing sheet of vellum, and his sleeve blocked the writing from my vision. His placidity remained unbothered, and he kept on with his calligraphy, adorning the paper with his steady strokes of the paintbrush. The action almost resembled a shooing motion, like swatting away a pesky fly. How fitting. Captain Kuchiki could be condescending even without talking, I knew this better than anyone. He always had a way of making me feel like there was something wrong with me, like I was lesser, like I was _dirt_. But, since he was of nobility, he had a right to do so, didn't he? Of course I didn't think so, but then again, my opinion never did matter.

"Captain." Silence. His stubborn solemnity persisted quite irritatingly. Maybe he hadn't heard me? Or maybe he thought I wasn't "worthy" enough to speak to?

"Um...sir?" No response. I guess that was his way of greeting me for the day. How lovely. Finally, I gave up and set the exquisite tea cup down. The captain had a whole set of fine ceramics in his office. The dish ware was supposedly in high demand, but I personally couldn't see what was so special about a dumb cup. Despite my feelings towards it, I still made the attempt to do something kind, at the least, for him, but to no avail. Trying to please him was futile.

Paperwork had accumulated itself on my desk over the past week, and now seemed like the perfect time to address it. I just needed something to occupy me for right now. I sifted through the pile, searching for forms that I could make quick work of. Ultimately, I had ended up dividing the paperwork into two stacks: one consisting of the simple forms and progress reports, the other involving papers that addressed more difficult and complex matters. I began my work with the simpler stack, knowing it could be completed in a short amount of time. The forms lacked allure, as most paperwork did, but I was grateful that it only required little effort. Finally, when the first pile had been reduced down to nothing but completed documents, I saw it fit to take a small break from the tedious work of writing and reading. I sat back and folded my arms over my chest, watching the captain. Even now, he continued to write away on that vellum, like I was not there at all. The whole morning, he had not acknowledged my presence in the slightest. Now, I didn't have any issue with that. I suppose after two months of sitting in silence day after day in the office, one became immune to Byakuya's neglect and lack of a proper greeting. But what I _did_ have a problem with was the fact that he had not even once asked about the information I had gathered the night before. His job was to ask, at the least.

"So...Captain Kuchiki." He stopped for a moment, frustrated, as he ran his long fingers through the raven hair that was free of the _keiseken _for once_._

"What is it now, Renji?"

"I spoke with Rukia last night." The slick sound of ink gliding across paper began once more.

"She said it wasn't a human that attacked her, but a Hollow. One that has the ability to break a Zanpakuto. For good." Not even a flinch.

"Higher-ups said that she wouldn't be prosecuted harshly for her actions, but that she'd be sentenced to a mild punishment for not calling in to the Soul Society when the incident occurred. Still, the idea of a Hollow being able to do such a thing. Kinda scary. No doubt, whatever it is, it's a real threat. I think the Head Captain is in the process of planning some procedure to capture it."

Kuchiki Taichou did not look up, though somehow I already knew he wouldn't. These were sensitive matters, and he treated them like they were of no importance. Figures.

"Are you - are you listening?-"

"This talk is tedious." Those were his only words and just as soon as he spoke, he stood and swept himself towards the door. As he reached for the handle, he looked back at me.

"And Renji, that scroll on my desk, feel free to read it if you'd like." He slipped out the door, letting the door close gently behind him. Was this some kind of trick? Did he really want me to read his own personal documents? Curiosity overwhelmed me, and when the sound of soft footsteps faded down the hall, I got up from my seat, and peered over the captains desk.

Then I saw what he'd been writing. Actually, there were two peices of paper on his desk. One was the sheet of vellum on which he re-written some phrase of a quote that bored me too much to even try and comprehend. Something about Hell being empty and devils being somewhere else. What did that even _mean_? The other piece of paper was a small white note that had words scribbled across its face in blue ink.

_RENJI - BUY MORE TEA_**.**

I whispered, more to myself than anyone, as I crumpled the note in my fist.

"Whatever you say_, your highness."_

_~I~I~I~I~I~_

_Sorry if its too going slow, please stick with me. Im setting it up for future chapters. Reviews make me happy:)_


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